There are clear evidences and statistics that show Women in Science/Academia tend to suffer from the well-known imposter syndrome. I am one of them and I constantly compare and judge myself against my peers. The conclusion always tends to be “I am not good enough, they are better”. Of course, one can always find someone better than themselves. Every time I read a profile for an academic, I would admire their career trajectory and their accomplishments. And this would make me feel less accomplished. This feeling is more pronounced at certain points, such as, when my contract was ending, not finding job openings in my field, rejected grant applications, rejected papers, failed experiments, failed promotion applications, etc. A career in academics is full of such incidents. At such points, I fail to see any positive attribute that I have.
At these times, when I am feeling miserable about my perceived incompetence, I will seek help from my mentors or either look up the internet for tips on how to stay positive. Many sources have good tips such as setting your goals for the year, month, week and working towards it. Sometimes, I was able to accomplish whatever I listed and feel good for a while. But soon after I would start thinking, maybe I could have done more, maybe I accomplished my task because I didn’t aim too high. Any positive thought I had goes right out of the window.
I find it really hard to find ways to reassure myself that my career is going alright. But recently I remembered a childhood incident that happened about 20 years ago that gave me a tool to reassure myself that things are going ok, when the going gets tough. I had completely forgotten about this incident. I grew up in a village in Manipur, India. From childhood, there was always a sense of competition and the need to compete to prove your worth. There was always an underlying pressure that I should be good in every aspect of schoolwork/academic activities. Not very surprising, since Asian upbringings are known for that. I was away at boarding school from sixth grade. During one of my summer school holidays, I bought some snacks from a street chai-wala (street vendor who sells tea and snacks). The snack was wrapped in a page torn out of a school notebook. I reached home and while eating the snack, I noticed the handwriting on the page. It looked really good and immediately, I wished my handwriting is like that. I started thinking whose handwriting could that be since I know most of the students in the village. A more careful reading of what was written on the page revealed that it was my own handwriting! Unknown to me, my mom had sold or given away my old notebooks to street vendors to be used for wrapping the snacks they sell. So, it turns out I was admiring myself. I recall feeling very surprised, happy and a bit funny too. I was grinning with a sense of satisfaction. All in all, it felt like a stamp of positive attributes.
My childhood incident made me think that if I was reading about my career trajectory or my CV, without knowing it is mine, I may still be pretty impressed. And perhaps I should not be too harsh on myself. To all my peers and juniors, someone else is admiring your CV and your career trajectory. If there was a way to read about yourself or your CV without knowing it is about you, I am pretty sure you will be admiring yourself unknowingly and might be pretty impressed by your own accomplishments. Be kind to yourself and just keep doing your best!